Overcoming Negative Self-Talk, a personal development article

Although we are often reminded that we should learn to fully accept who we are, we aren't always aware of the consequences when we decide not to. So what happens when you don't accept yourself as the person you are? What happens when your mind seems to drown you in a constant flow of negative self-talk? And more importantly, how can you deal with such a destructive inner dialogue?

The Mirror

For most people, a lack of connection to the problem is what makes it very difficult to overcome their negative inner dialogue. To help you understand where negative self-talk begins and how it is perpetuated, imagine the following scenario:

You are standing in front of a mirror, facing yourself, but instead of acknowledging yourself as the reflection in the mirror, you reject the notion completely. You don't accept you are the person you're looking at. So if you are not looking at yourself, then you must be looking at someone else. A person you have zero control over.

Now, let's take it a step further. What if, for example, the person in the mirror would decide to throw a punch at you? This would make you feel upset, aggravated, sad,... but also helpless at the same time. Instead of blaming yourself for feeling upset, you will immediately point the finger at "that other person" for the emotional state you are now in. You will think : "Hey, that person threw a punch at me!!", instead of "I threw a punch at myself..."

Without accepting it is you in that mirror, you are not only unable to control the punch coming at you, but you are also denying yourself the opportunity to determine your own emotional response, caused by the punch. On the other hand, if you could learn to embrace the person in that mirror as yourself, then you would realize that there is not a single reason to throw a punch at yourself in the first place.

The very nature of negative self-talk is that it makes you believe you are being affected by something you don't have a handle on. So how do you regain control over that person in the mirror? How do you reclaim a deeper sense of responsibility for managing your emotional state? How do you deal with that taunting creature inside yourself?

Meet Your Bully

Your ego is very much like the mirror I described earlier. Its duty is not to tell you who you are in an embellished or debasing way, it merely reflects back to you who you are as an individual. A part of that reflection tells you what you are good at. The other part of the reflection is that which you still have to work on. So when you think about negative self-talk, then you are actually thinking about the reflection of your weaknesses through your ego onto your awareness.

However, when this reflection becomes your main focus and you are being constantly reminded of what you're not good at, it gives you the idea that you're being bullied by your own mind. As if there is an intangible creature inside you, who enjoys hitting you where it hurts most and won't stop doing what it does, because it knows how to pick on you. It appears to find pleasure in making your life miserable.

But your ego's duty is not to make you feel bad about yourself. All it does is show you who you are. So every time you demonstrate your weakness, by means of an emotional response to your inner critic, you are giving your inner bully the reason it needs to perform its duty: to reflect back to you what you are doing wrong.

The reason why people, who suffer from a lot of negative self-talk, are no longer benefiting from their ego's presence, is because they have begun to think of their ego's behavior as a violent act against them, instead of what it really is: a source of valuable information. What they call a "bully", is in fact their best friend on the path to personal growth.

The reason why you have a bully is because there is a reason for it to be there. So although it may seem as if your negative self-talk is affecting you in a destructive way, it is in fact you who is perpetuating your destructive inner dialogue by allowing it to upset you. Your ego and what it reflects back to you, is not really the problem.

The problem is that you are being...

An Even Bigger Bully

The reason why we are often afraid of something, is because it seems bigger than who we are. We are afraid we may not be able to deal with it. The result? We try to scare it off, try to stand up to it, try to be even bigger. But we all know that only causes the situation to escalate. Think of it as a discussion between two people. When person A tries to convince person B, person A's voice goes up, and as a result person B does the exact same thing. When you're in a battle with your ego, the same thing happens, but because your ego acts like a mirror, it can only raise its appearance of weakness to that of your own level. No more, no less. It shows you your weakness and if you respond to it with even greater weakness, then that is exactly what will be reflected back to you.

The problem of negative self-talk continues to exist as long as you believe that becoming upset is a valid solution to stop being bullied by your mind.

Every time you get upset because your ego tells you about who you are, then you are in fact being an even bigger bully, who is starting an even bigger war within yourself. So how do you moderate your internal discussions?

Just Listen

The emotional response you give to your inner dialogue is like throwing fuel on an already existing fire. If you stop fueling the fire, it will eventually burn out.

The key to ending negative self-talk is giving your inner voice the attention it needs through listening. Whenever your mind begins to spill its guts, you simply listen to it. What you don't do, is give it attention in the form of an emotional response. You don't try to ignore it, reject it or even try to stand up to it. Simply be there and watch it happen. Accept it is so. Whatever you do, don't be upset about it.

As you continue to listen, your ego will begin to reflect back to you the state you are showing it and over time your ego will reflect back to you what you are slowly becoming: a more peaceful person. Every time you don't try to stand up to your negative thoughts and decline the invitation to feed your ego with a negative emotional response, you will gain a little more control and you will feel a little more connected to yourself.

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